In my previous posts I dealt with the concept of Test Driven Development (TDD) and a typical Agile day. I now propose to move onto the concept of the Daily Scam (err... sorry I mean Daily Scrum). This takes place every morning, on the dot, at the same place, with no exception or excuse whatsoever, at precisely the same time each day, 365 days per year. As an Agile Grandmaster at a client site I currently hold my Daily Scrum between 9am and 3pm every day (err... or two or sometimes three days - depending on the time of the month).
Each Daily Scrum begins with the Agile chant to the Agile Grandmasters of old . This involves me assuming the Bent Keck position and the minions going around me shouting:
Kent, Ken - Agile be thy name. Thou shall be sucked as Dyson did before us.
By way of illustrating what happens in a typical daily Scrum with me, I will hereby re-produce a typical set of dialogue that I have experienced.
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Me: OK minion Number 1 (damn I must get out of calling my subordinates that). What have you done since the last Scam?
Minion Number 1: When was that? I can't remember?
Me: Stupid fucker, it was yesterday of course.
Minion Number 2: I think you will find that yesterday, Crispin, you didn't come in as you were recovering from your Bukkake session over the weekend. Therefore we did not have our Scrum.
Me: Who asked you?, you little shit. Besides it's not your turn to speak. Anyway, what are you planning to do next minion number 1?
Minion Number 1: I don't know. What should I be doing?
Me: How the fuck should I know. As Scam master I don't give a fuck what you do. I'm here to just find out what you've been doing and planning to do next.
Minion Number 1: In that case I propose for today that I screw that cute blond in reception.
Senior Client Director: You leave her alone, do you hear?
Me: Err, excuse me. Who the fuck asked you to talk? Remember you are only a ChickenHawke. In future remember the daily scam is for Twinks only to speak.
Minion Number 3: Twinks?!? I'm sure the term is Pig?
Me: Look you can fucking stop talking also. Anyway, back to minion number 1. The 3rd and final question to ask is of course 'Whats stopping you in progressing?'
Minion Numbers 1, 2, 3 & Senior Client Director: YOU ARE, you fucking idiot!
Me: Right that does it. I'm calling this Scam to a halt due to a complete lack of commitment from you bunch of fucking retards.
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I would like to hear from anyone else who wishes to share their daily scam experiences. Please leave a comment for us to share.
