ASS (part 2)

Well I've truley enjoyed playing with my ASS (Agile Sprint System). In response to a question posted earlier, I can confirm that ASS is available widely as OPEN source under the TOSSER (Totally Open Source System Experience of Retros) licence agreement. Many people have asked to see inside the source of my ASS. To which I say - get your own ASS and look inside it for yourself.

As Agile as they cum?

Sorry guys but I'm not able to make XTC tonight, I have a heavy session with Greg in mind... (Care to join us Dimitri?)

I'm also looking for a few Agile Gurus (preferably HUMPED) to help me with this years RETRO, is this something you could help with nrobinson?

Agile Sprint System (A.S.S)

Great news for Agile lovers. The world's first Agile operating system, Agile Sprint System (ASS), has gone into BETA release. As in common with other operating systems, ASS is responsible for managing hardware and software resources of a computer. This of course includes the usual tasks of memory management, I/O, security, networking and provision of a file system. But ASS goes further - incorporating Agile at it's very heart. Here are a few features to look forward to when you get your hands on an ASS.

Agile/IP now fully supported. I first mentioned this very exciting addition to the IP protocol family, in a previous blog a year or two back. For those who are unaware I'll quickly re-cap Agile/IP.

1. An extension of the OSI network model.
2. Agile stories are entered at the Application Layer. This is typically done via an application capable of using the AgileNet protocol. This protocol is an extension of the Telnet protocol.
3. The Presentation Layer then converts these Agile stories to XP Tasks using extended MIME encoding.
4. The Session Layer provides checkpoints which can be used for carrying out retros by a lower layer in the OSI model.
5. The Transport Layer helps move the XP task data between Scrum members without the latter having to know anything about computers.
6. The Network, Data and Physical layers are the same as in the standard OSI model - with one major exception. And that is security is added to the Agile data packets. This is done by injecting them with the Wide Area Network Kerberos Authentication policy (WANKA). These enlightened WANKAs, as the Agile packets are now known, are capable of delivering their tasks in any order they wish. Unlike TCP, however,
guarantee of delivery is never given by these WANKAs. If a delivery fails, they may try again - then again they may go off into a Spike and get side tracked. But thats a price well worth paying to be truly Agile.

Security The WANKA policy has been added to all file access now. It is a cut down version of the one used in Agile/IP and known as Mini WANKA.

Memory Management Thanks to the use of Binary Obstack Library Overlap eXtension (BOLOX), memory is now fully managed in an Agile manner. This means no up front memory usage design is done by the Operating System. Instead memory is used in a haphazard manner.

GUI ASS has an advance user interface. Everything looks a nice shade of pink, giving it a rose spectacled look about it. Very Agile I thought.

More reviews in the near future. If anyone else gets some ASS, please leave your comments here too.

Agility on Valentines day

Thank you to that wonderful reader who brought twinky nrobinson into my life. A boy couldn't wish for a more agile valentines gift...

After musing upon twinkies writing, chance brought me to this website and the perfect description of the joys of the agile path: "with training and willpower, intense feelings can be felt as exhilarating ecstasy...". Care to join me nrobinson? Enjoy!

Agile 2007 Conference

I suppose everyone has signed up for Agile2007. If not what are you waiting for? There will be loads of IT professionals there to discuss Agile with - like this nice chap.

The A-Team

In 1972, a crack pot unit was sent to prison by a non-Agile court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped a maximum security Scrum Iteration to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by Ken and Kent, they survive as soldiers of XP. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire...the Agile-Team.

Featuring:

Colonel Johnny "eXtreme" Smith
Lieutenant "Faceman" nRobinson Peck
Captain "Half Agile, Half Smegma" Marc
Sergeant "Bullshit Agile" Chappy
Amy "Nice Rachel" Allen

The Daily Scrum

In my previous posts I dealt with the concept of Test Driven Development (TDD) and a typical Agile day. I now propose to move onto the concept of the Daily Scam (err... sorry I mean Daily Scrum). This takes place every morning, on the dot, at the same place, with no exception or excuse whatsoever, at precisely the same time each day, 365 days per year. As an Agile Grandmaster at a client site I currently hold my Daily Scrum between 9am and 3pm every day (err... or two or sometimes three days - depending on the time of the month).

Each Daily Scrum begins with the Agile chant to the Agile Grandmasters of old . This involves me assuming the Bent Keck position and the minions going around me shouting:

Kent, Ken - Agile be thy name. Thou shall be sucked as Dyson did before us.

By way of illustrating what happens in a typical daily Scrum with me, I will hereby re-produce a typical set of dialogue that I have experienced.

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Me: OK minion Number 1 (damn I must get out of calling my subordinates that). What have you done since the last Scam?

Minion Number 1: When was that? I can't remember?

Me: Stupid fucker, it was yesterday of course.

Minion Number 2: I think you will find that yesterday, Crispin, you didn't come in as you were recovering from your Bukkake session over the weekend. Therefore we did not have our Scrum.

Me: Who asked you?, you little shit. Besides it's not your turn to speak. Anyway, what are you planning to do next minion number 1?

Minion Number 1: I don't know. What should I be doing?

Me: How the fuck should I know. As Scam master I don't give a fuck what you do. I'm here to just find out what you've been doing and planning to do next.

Minion Number 1: In that case I propose for today that I screw that cute blond in reception.

Senior Client Director: You leave her alone, do you hear?

Me: Err, excuse me. Who the fuck asked you to talk? Remember you are only a ChickenHawke. In future remember the daily scam is for Twinks only to speak.

Minion Number 3: Twinks?!? I'm sure the term is Pig?

Me: Look you can fucking stop talking also. Anyway, back to minion number 1. The 3rd and final question to ask is of course 'Whats stopping you in progressing?'

Minion Numbers 1, 2, 3 & Senior Client Director: YOU ARE, you fucking idiot!

Me: Right that does it. I'm calling this Scam to a halt due to a complete lack of commitment from you bunch of fucking retards.

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I would like to hear from anyone else who wishes to share their daily scam experiences. Please leave a comment for us to share.

Test Driven Development

I'm often asked about the various aspects of Agile and XP. So I thought today would be a great day to write about one of my favourites - Test Driven Development - TDD. This is not to be confused with the other closely related Agile aspect of, Test Driven Bukkake - TDB (see a previous post of mine for more details on this topic).

The principle behind TDD is simple - you write a test for a component BEFORE you write the component itself. Now, people say to me, Crispin isn't this a bit strange? Surely it's just doing things in a completely wrong order just for the fucking sake of it? It's like writing with your left hand even though you are right handed. Sure it can be done, but why bother with all the hassle and try pretending it's any good?

I simply smile at these simpletons and explain that without a test the component does not even exist (thanks Bent Keck). Further the component is useless. Remember, in Agile, what really matters is to know that you have used Agile/XP practices. Delivering the component (or anything else for that matter) is secondary.

Infact, I use the principles of TDD in every aspect of my life. In the morning I go to the bathroom, pull down my pants and wipe my ass with toilet paper (well its actually hard tracing paper since I'm heavily into Mocking objects). Then I take a shit. Finally I pull up my pants and go away. Sure, this does leave me with my underwear stuck solid to my crack due to the shit on my pre-wiped ass sticking. The way I see it is that if I don't wipe my ass first then the shit does not actually exist. But I feel this is a small price to pay for achieving Agile excellence.

A Dummies Guide to an Agile Day

I'm often asked in my capacity as an Agile guru what is the holy grail of true Agile enlightenment. Well for me it has to be when one can truly separate and detach oneself from what is required by the end user and instead concentrate on the more important matters. That of course is Agile and everything to do with Agile. Regardless of what the end requirements of a system may be, the important thing in life is that Agile is thought of first and foremost. Everything else is irrelevant. Only when you can come to terms with this, will you find the true meaning of Agile. Remember it does not matter one bit that a project may be delivered late or that you may be creating unnecessary overheads by using Agile tools. So long as you have practiced safe Agile, then you can sleep soundly knowing that you have achieved inner peace.

On a typical Agile engagement day I will do the following:

1. Every morning I shall assemble the minions (err... sorry I mean developers). I will then ask each to explain what he has been up to since yesterday and what they are planning to do next. I will then ignore any moaning from the minions (err... sorry developers again) as to whats holding them up. Further if at any point I feel aggression towards Agile and what it stands for, I will call on the old Pig and Chicken story. That usually gets the fuckers (err... sorry I mean client management) to stop asking awkward questions as to whats holding up the progress of work.

2. I then encourage a general chat - concerning what's been happening on television etc. After an hour and half the daily stand up will be called to an end.

3. At this point I like to take a junior developer aside and pair up with him - usually somewhere quiet, like the men's toilets. Here we can explore one another's strengths and weaknesses. I will often insist on TDB - Test Driven Bukkake. As I say to these junior developers, if you don't know where you are cumming from then as far as I'm concerned the Bukkake does not even exist. Above all we are in this as a team. Therefore we must all cum together if we are to achieve our final climax (err... I mean goals).

4. At some point during the day I like to produce a chart showing velocity. This is basically a random series of points joint together in any order so as to make the idiots (errr. sorry I mean client management) believe that the project is on course. I find this helps greatly in allowing me to concentrate on Agile instead.

5. Towards the end of the day I then assemble the minions (note to myself: must stop calling code monkeys, minions) for a final session in the bathroom. At the end of which we come up with a series of excuses for the next days standup.

In a future post I will explore in more details planning games, retros and goals. But in the meantime I hope the above has vetted your appetite (I know I've wet myself just writing it).

Look who's back!

It's been a long time since I last blogged. If you remember the old blog was shut down on my own personal decision as I felt things were getting out of Agile control.

You are no doubt asking what's been happening to me since my last post. Well I have travelled the world in my search of Agile and Extreme excellence. I have travelled to many historical and cultural places like PatPong , Cheongnyangni , Boy's Town and many, many more in my relentless search for the true meaning of Agile. I even went to exorcise the demons that have taken over a former Agile colleague. The shame of the man. He along with the Agile Goat have let the Agile community down in a big way I feel.

Finally I ended up in Tibet where I studied ancient writings and literature under the guidance of an Agile Grandmaster. Eventually after great study I too became Grandmaster Agile Jedi.

So here I am to talk all things Agile